What a morning!

So this morning, I got very angry. Oh, so incredibly angry that I could almost not even pray. What caused it? Well, um, that's an interesting question.

I could detail all the situations that occurred this morning to "create" the anger, but ultimately it boiled down to two things ... selfishness and bondage.

First I was upset that "my time" was infringed upon by my family. Never mind that I told them the night before that I would do the thing they were asking me right then to do this very morning. What a piece of work I am! "My time" was infringed upon LAST NIGHT when I put off until today what would have taken me two seconds to do last night.

Argh! And the bondage ... it's the whole God and mammon thing ... and mammon is winning! I even just wandered off from this blog post to check the bills that I have coming up online, getting lost in the upgrade possibilities on my cell phone and checking new plan rates wondering if I could get a lower plan all while deciding what kind of discipline to enact on my youngest child who spent $10.58 in extra usage charges last month! What?

The bondage is real. The debt and bills and lack of time is real. But why? Yesterday, I think I mentioned praying like I had in the past ... the "build His kingdom and establish His righteousness" prayer/praying. So a couple of things occur to me this morning ... that I cannot pray about that effectively if my mind is elsewhere and I cannot have my mind any place else but "elsewhere" if I'm in bondage to debt, bills, money, and too many commitments. And too many commitments are just a much bondage as money.

So after I spent about 15 minutes privately yelling at all the people I was angry with ... it was quite a tirade, I'll have you know ... I got down on my knees and was finally able to have a conversation with God. It hit me that the person I need to focus on today to "build His kingdom and establish His righteousness" was me. I took a mental inventory of all the commitments I've made or that have been made for me by poor choices (Way far back in the past, I might add! Humph!) and realized that I had to sort them out based on ... on ... on something. I had to make sense of them in the terms of being a disciple and how they allowed/hindered me from being the best disciple possible.

Then it hit me ... I can sort them by 1) how close they brought/bring me to God, and 2) whether I waste them, hoard them or bestow them freely. Knowing that everything we have is either from God directly or as a result of disobedience to God's commandments or plans, then would it follow that when I feel badly about something, I'm moving farther away from God? If I give that "thing" away or eliminate that bad habit from my life, then will I feel better? So my debt is something I could quite possibly be hoarding ... keeping in my life to keep myself from experiencing freedom -- the freedom to do that which the Lord has called me to do.

I think that's true ... I cannot even think about what the Lord has called me to do because my mind immediately drifts to what bill is due today (or tomorrow or next week) and how we will rob Peter to pay Paul. And I can definitely see how I waste my talents ... just completely throw away the time that I have to exercise them or in other words, bestow them freely to benefit others. Wow, and that then brings me back full circle to the time ... my time.

Ha ... I have always intellectually known that time is not "mine" but I just connected how the waste/hoard/bestow freely concept is both affected by and affects time. When I told the kids last night that I would do something this morning I was "using my time" by wasting that precious time sitting watching TV. I didn't consciously think that then, but I can see that clearly now. So then this morning, when I woke up a bit early and felt really good about having time to do extra things (important only to me, I might add), I was frustrated by the intrusion of a commitment made last night not even recognizing that I was really angry with myself.

Wow ... this is some good stuff! Okay ... I think the next thing to do is write down all the commitments I have made and determine if I am wasting/hoarding/bestowing freely.