Great Whales and What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Man, did I hit the snooze alot this morning. Almost didn't have any time to do small and simple things.

I had wanted to do some exercise from the On Demand feature on my TV, even picked one out last night that I wanted to use. Isn't it amazing, however, that while we cannot find our keys in our purse, no matter how small the purse or how large the keys/key ring, we can find a tiny little snooze button, three feet away, in the dark, with our eyes closed in about 1 second? Over and over again ;-)

But I did get up and do my old, stand by, Richard Simmons Never Say Diet exercises. I've done them enough in the past that I don't have to look at the wacky pictures of Richard showing the exercises. It's also quick enough that I could feel like a I did something and still get a shower and get to work on time.

So ... I have tons of things on my "To Do List" for 2010 and I was thinking to myself this weekend, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" I mean ... I work, I'm trying to start a business, I volunteer, I serve in church, I want to get my craft mojo going again, and quite frankly, have about a 100 different other things that I'd like to do this year. So, I was having a conversation with God this weekend about that very thing and surmised during our time together that I really should be figuring out one or both of the two following scenarios ... 1) What He wants me to do and/or 2) What I was sent here to do.

I decided that was a really good idea, but didn't stick around to get any further direction on the subject. Really? Really. I'm not sure I'm ready to find out what I was really sent here to do or what He wants me to do because that knowledge will be more than I'm prepared to accept right now. Can't I just do what I want to do? Yes, I know that I've been questionably successful on the things that I want to do ("perfection paralysis" again), but the idea of doing what someone else wants me to do is um, frustrating at best and really darned annoying ... even if the One doing the telling is the all-powerful Creator of the Universe.

So I went about my merry little way ... and promptly got slapped in the face by what I was supposed to be doing. Now, I haven't figured it all out yet, so I'm keeping it myself. I've got to work through the concept that was presented and my unbelievably prideful and selfish nature that must be crushed to make it work. Ouch! It is going to be hard. I even told God in another conversation that I wasn't really happy with the information He shared. I don't think He saw it as that difficult. And, for at least a few days so far, He's made it a little easier to start.

The amazing thing is that I really believe if I do what He wants me to do, the mission I was sent here to do, the person He wants me to be, then I think I will have time to do more of the things that I want to do. Of course, I want it to happen really fast but I fear I'll be waiting a while.

Oh, and what's with the "great whales." I was reading Moses 2 and it just struck me that the only specifically called out animal on the 4th Day is great whales. Why would the Lord specifically call out only the whales. (Moses does mention winged fowl, creeping things and cattle later.) Well, I learned that it probably means something more. And when I think about the instruction I received from God about my role, I KNOW that it means something more.

I'm not aspiring to be a "great whale" ... I'm pretty close to that already anyway ;-) ... but I think I'm working to be called out for something great, in my own sphere of influence, once I humble myself enough to make it work.

Another Start

My goodness ... how many times will I start and stop this stuff?

Well, as many times as it takes to get it right, I suppose. The problem has always been a "perfection paralysis" ... every effort I make must be exactly perfect like only my own personal thought process can determine (which, mind you, is like nothing on earth or in heaven). If it is not absolutely perfect, then it cannot be done.

For all my knowledge of and counsel to others about "Reality Is," I certainly get wrapped up in other peoples's realities ... specifically my own. Oh, and Satan's ;-) Let me explain.

The only reality I should be living is God's ... He's in control of Reality and whatever happens should have happened because it did happen (perfectly easy to understand that one, right ;-). If you believe that God is capable of miracles like Phillip's and Nephi's, and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever; then it follows that if you didn't get moved, pushed or smacked into a different place, whatever crappy stuffy (or great stuff) happened to you is just as it was supposed to happen. The Present is the only place where we live in Reality. Therefore, if we are making stuff up in our own pathetic little mind about ourself or someone else, we are not anywhere near Reality! The Lord wants us to not only know a principle, but take action on it.

And Satan want's you elsewhere, too ... the Past is okay, because we can try to re-live it (good and bad), but there is an element of truth that cannot be swept away too lightly. The Future is completely unknown, and a great place to divert attention with worry, dispair, even misplaced hope. But for me, the best tool Satan has found is to paralyse me right in the Present with an irrational need for perfection.

If I cannot do it ALL, I will not start. If I cannot do it "just so," I push it aside. If I cannot get it right the very first time I try, there usually is not a second time. I'm ready and willing to try alot of different things, and have been pretty lucky that I'm good at some of them, too. There are so many great things that Satan has convinced me that I am not able to do because I screwed up some "thing" or "other" in the past. Who did I tick off? What did I forget?

I read a recent month of posts in my journal (not immediately recent since I stopped writing -- another story for another day, but recent enough to remember the period of time). Every. Single. Freaking. Entry included something about Satan ... Satan this and Satan that ... are you kidding me? You would have thought he was my boyfriend and I was 13 again! That's when I realized ... and I think he might have realized ... his undoing. He (and his minions) made me too aware of him/them. (See The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis)

So now, I'm working on doing the small and simple things ... this blog/journal is one of them. I picked up my bedroom today before work ... made the beds, put the extra dirty socks in the laundry basket, put shoes and clean clothes in the closet (glad the door still shuts ;-). Scripture reading today is another. I decided to do it online, so I could slow down and really listen to the words. I was going to start reading the Book of Mormon again. I clicked the link online and hit The Pearl of Great Price ... wait a minute, that's not what I wanted. I decided to go with this "Reality Is" thing ... that must have been what I was supposed to do because it happened.

It was PERFECT, gloriously perfect. I really rejoiced to realize with Moses that I am nothing and God is everything -- I don't have to be perfect!!!!! (And, I can only be "perfected" though Him.) Better still was the absolutely, laugh out loud ridiculousness of Satan ... how simple it was for Moses to SEE that Satan was less than nothing, especially the moment when he realized that he still had a portion of the Spirit with him to discern Satan's nothingness.

So, if I post everyday ... bonus ... but I'm not going to sweat it. I might even try things twice. And if IT happens, IT happens ;-) and I'm going to relish in the Reality of it.